Fresh.

What am I conscious of this year?

I'm conscious of not letting enough of my thoughts out. It seems like it should be the simplest thing in the world but, certainly for me, it's often the hardest part. I don't know where to start, I don't know if this is the right thing to do but I'm writing a life and I have to begin somewhere.

the maybe break-up.

This is quite a hard post to write.

Having just spent the best part of the last hour flattening down edges and clearing out the unnecessary chatter I'm in two minds whether to keep this space, move it somewhere else, or pull back completely.

The thing is, I've not always been like this. I've not always held back from rushing forward. I've always thought my way through things, but I've also not waited at the gate to be let in either. This self-awareness often catches me - especially when I find myself looking back over something I've written and grimace at the number of times I've used 'I' as an identifier. I can feel it now. I'm trying to resist the urge to backspace.

There is something to be said for distance. Not disinterest or detachment.

Distance.

The gathering up of your stuff and moving it to a different corner.

The garnering of perspective is something that you can't negotiate when you're deep down in a space that you're not sure you'd recognize if someone else told you what it looked like. I'm certainly caught up in moment of trying to align the time behind me with where I seem to have found myself.

Essentially, there seems to be an element of simplifying required. The removing of some layers. A starting over. That sort of thing.

So. Deep breath. Here's the deal (I'm running with the changes).

I'm newly single, trying to write a book and am going to be twenty-nine in seven months.

My writing is bookended by those two facts - my heart and the pace of my life. What will this space will end up as? I'm not sure but here's hoping I'm right on time.

phoenix.

“You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame: how could you become new, if you had not first become ashes?”

—	Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

making. things. happen.

making things happen

rush.

Over the past few days I've been swinging around an emotion I didn't really want to feel and it's made me quiet. Quieter than usual. It tends to be around time like this that I just let things rush in. And my goodness, music has been RUSHING in. It's been making me draw lyrics on the back of envelopes on buses and songs that have moved past me before have now pulled up a chair next to me. It got me to thinking how it really is all about what you're ready for. And that maybe, just maybe, that's all we can ever try to be. Ready. Ready for it all to rush in.

Timshel by Mumford & Sons; Daughters of the Soho Riots, Slow Show and the entire new National album have been on repeat with me for two hours.

It's going to be a quiet, rushing summer for me.

dear jade.

You will probably never read this unless I direct you to it but either way here are a few things I think you should know.

1. You are an extraordinary inspiration. Your brain makes my brain work better and with more colour when I'm in the same room as you. Thank you for being such a good human.

2. I admire pretty much everything you have done and I can already preempt the massive amount of admiration I'm going to feel for everything you will do.

3. There have been several times during our still young friendship that I have wished that I'd had you in my corner for so much longer. That has been translated into the overwhelming LOVE I have for you now because I feel like I'm playing catch-up.

4. You wrote me one of the best cards I have received in my entire life. And my entire life has a good few years on yours which is entirely significant with regard to this point. So, yeah.

5. I want to write a screenplay with you one day. This thought alone makes me want to high-five myself.

6. You are the best one. And you are very good at drawing dinosaurs. And elephants.

one year.

It's been a year since I started writing in this space. Just having the word in print is making me think that I need to shake it up a little, or take a couple of steps to the side or maybe I just keep the progress going? Plotting the course is mighty fun when its happening, but then when you turn around and look back... some days, you see how far you've come and others you see how much time you spent standing still.

I should try for the balance.


image: flickr via we heart it